Feel the knit

It’s no secret I’ve been going through a rough patch recently, and the problem with this rough patch is that while I wish it’d go away, it can’t and it affects my mood, my reactions… and my knitting.

I’ve always been a bit of a procrastiknitter, in the sense that I will grab a new project fiercely, knit it until I’m almost done and lose interest. This wasn’t the issue in the past weeks.

Last night, as someone gave me an unexpected token of friendship in the shape of a loaned spindle and a bunch of yummy fibre, I realized I need to get out of the patch.

I’ve been contemplating whether I need help. I feel like I’ve been carrying a load on my shoulders that can’t be shifted and when last week a friend caught me after a meeting and looked me straight in the eyes and asked “what’s wrong with you”, I broke down. I find it odd that I always used to break down with my mum. And now I can’t because she’s part of the load I carry. Can’t go to dad. He’s part of the load I carry.

Work is suffering because of this. I get given brilliant reviews when I am seriously doing nothing. This whole week I think I’ve put in around 10 hours of productive time, I feel like I don’t give a crap about what’s in my tray and because of my head, I can’t concentrate. Rather not do work than perform badly.

I need a break. Yet I can’t afford the time out, given that at home everything is so fragile, I need to save up days to ensure I can leave whenever I need to. And I’m tired. So tired. Part of the reason I couldn’t knit is that I am so exhausted my mind goes into static signals when I hit the train in the afternoon.

The one thing I found out thanks to this whole thing is that I am a good actress. I can always crack a joke and bring out the fun half of me, just because I hate breaking down in front of people.

While I don’t quite know the way out of the patch, I know last night I felt the knit. Got to the thumb gusset on my glove. Step by step, procrastiknitter.

For some good news at the end of the week – Whitesnake are the Very Special Guests at this year’s Download. Tune your chords…. “Here I go again on my ooooown….”

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